Provoke Not Your Children!

"And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord."
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Ephesians 6:4 NKJV

"Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged."

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Colossians 3:21 NKJV

I wanted to share some insight I've come across on the command to provoke not our children. As I've settled into my role as a stay-at-home-mom, I've come to realize and am working to fully embrace that my primary ministry is in my home. That said, I've been made fully aware of my many shortcomings as a mother and the admonition in these verses speaks so directly to me. I've been praying and asking the Lord for a while now to show me the sin in my life and help me to both acknowledge it and have the strength to change it. And, unfortunately, "provok[ing] not [my] children" is definitely a point of frequent failure for me. These insightful passages, however, have been encouraging and convicting for me as I persevere through my personal struggles with this... so I wanted to share in hopes that someone else might be blessed by them too.

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[from Parenting by Design, re: Eph 6:4]

EXASPERATING YOUR KIDS

This verse is packed with parenting instruction. It immediately follows the passage instructing children to honor and obey their parents (Eph 6:1-2), and it helps us see how to make it easier for our children to obey us. The key is to avoid exasperating them. The Greek word translated "exasperate" means to provoke to anger or to enrage. And, the fastest way to exasperate a child is to micromanage every move, correct each misstep, and point out all the areas he needs to improve. Kids who are nagged and lectured soon become frustrated and often respond by rebelling, withdrawing, or "losing heart". We are so inclined to over-correct, we often end up fighting about small things that aren't important. We may win the argument, but lose the war as we find our kids disconnecting from us. Instead, try walking beside your kids as you lovingly allow them to experience the consequences of their choices. This is a far better way to create an environment in which a child can understand and embrace God's design for his life. Pick your battles and avoid exasperating your kids.

BRINGING THEM UP

Our goal is to help them find and fulfill God's design for their lives and to teach them about the character of Christ.

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The character we should be teaching them to adopt is the character of Christ. The choices they make and the consequences they face are opportunities to talk to them about the character of Jesus.

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Chip Ingram calls this teaching your child "survival skills," as contrasted to spending most of your efforts ensuring their survival. Too often, we attempt to ensure survival by rescuing, nagging or micromanaging, and we end up with children unprepared to face the world without us. Redefine what it means to train and instruct your kids about the character of Christ.

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["From Chaos to Calm: Day Twenty-Two" by Melissa Ringstaff, founder of A Virtuous Woman, re: Col 3:21]

Children should never be put down, belittled, or snapped at. As your child grows from a toddler to an adolescent and beyond, he will want to feel understood. So many times parents don’t give their child the benefit of being listened to. A child that is frequently yelled at, may feel justified in being angry and disrespectful. However, a child that is treated with respect and dignity coupled with a firm, loving form of discipline will demonstrate the same love and respect toward his mom and dad.

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Try approaching your child with tenderness, love, respect, and with a soft voice. Unjust harshness is not fair to either one of you. Rather than picking at every little thing you notice – try choosing your battles wisely so that only the most important issues are brought up... Uplift your child every chance you get. Really look and see the good in him instead of only the bad.

Remember that it is okay to admit to your child that you were wrong. They will learn a valuable lesson from you! If you realize later that something you said or did was unfair, ask them to forgive you and make a promise to be better in the future.

Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him.
Psalm 127:3