This week I had the fine luxury of being home. My parents are visiting and staying with me, so I decided to take a week off from work and enjoy a little "stay-cation" to spend time with them.
We're pretty low maintenance people... we don't require extravagance to make our lives feel full. So, we didn't do anything extravagant... in fact, it was low key and it felt like life as it should be: days spent with family, doing the daily things that need to be done, but taking time to spend it with the people we love. That's one of the most important approaches to life.
Being at home also gave me the blessing and opportunity of really "being" a mother to my children. Don't get me wrong -- once a mother, always a mother -- but you don't always have the blessing of acting in the full capacity of "mother" for your children. When I'm at work 9 hours a day, 5 days a week... I'm still their mother, but I'm not acting in that capacity. It is always who I am, but not always what I do. So, when I'm with them, it's both a blessing and a challenge because I have to put the "Mama" hat on and be what they need me to be.
And given life in its current state, I only wear that hat from 6pm-7am Monday through Thursday (excluding most federal holidays) and weekends (in general, excluding weddings, baby showers, birthday parties, the rare date night, or any other recreational or social activity that may limit my time spent with my kids). So, this week, I got to experience Mommyhood continuously. And it was fun. Especially priceless was the forging of a very special bond with my two-year-old, affectionately nicknamed Jones. He is so amazingly "Type A" (just like his mama) and really has a unique spirit and sense of humor. He's independent and strongly particular about how things should be done. He's determined (a.k.a. strong-willed) and strong-minded. I'd swear he was the two-year-old male version of me. Things have to be done his way... and if they're not, then they have to be re-done the right way. We're kindred spirits, he and I, so I can't get mad at his nature because to do so would be self-condemnation. He's me - wrapped up in a smaller, cuter and definitely funnier package. And that realization has enabled me to be a better mom to him. Sometimes it feels like I'm a psychologist parading around as a mom because you really have to understand how your kids' minds and emotions work in order to effectively manipulate, I mean maneuver - actually, manipulate is what I really mean - their behavior.
The strong-willed and independent child doesn't want to feel as though they're being forced to do something against their will. They desire the freedom to make their own decisions and do things their own way. The challenge as parents is to give them that space, but to provide the boundaries and support that they need. And the beauty of a working balance that I personally experienced with my determined to buckle himself in his own car seat two-year-old is that if you give them those opportunities to do the little things their way - for example, buckling himself in his own car seat or putting on his own socks and shoes - they will not only gain self-assurance and confidence in their abilities, but they will also see that you respect and acknowledge their own individual desires and abilities. This is the beautiful challenge: giving your children an appropriate amount of freedom to make their own decisions ("do you want to buckle yourself, or do you want me to do it?"), reminding them that you are always standing by to help if it gets too hard, and rejoicing in their accomplishments ("Yay!! You did it!!"), while firmly and lovingly keeping them within the boundaries you set.
Kids like my Jones will most of the time tell you that they want to do things their way. The other day, he and I were debating about which shoes he would wear. Now, I am a firm believer that as long as you live under my roof (this includes age 2), I get the final say on what you wear. Jones is very picky with his shoes. Once he likes a pair of shoes, he insists on wearing them all day, every day. Sometimes I don't care, but this day, the gray slip-on shoes were a much better option than his all-time fave white Polo shoes (nothing to do with the fact that gray is pretty much the end-all be-all of my favorite colors). So, we went back and forth for a while: "Jones, I want you to wear the gray shoes." "No, Mommy, these ones." "No, Jones. You're gonna wear the gray shoes." "No, Mommy, no want to." "I don't care, Jones... Go put on the gray ones. Mommy said so." "No, Mommy, no want to!" "Jonah Bear, go put them on." He starts to walk to his room "Yah... fine." And he put on the gray shoes. I couldn't help but chuckle to myself... and when he came back I gave him a big hug and said, "Thank you, Bear! Good boy, I love you." And he tarried on like no debate ever transpired.
In the past, this wouldn't have happened. And usually if you just get frustrated and take off the Polo shoes and put the gray ones on, he will have a fit and take off the gray shoes anyway. But this week, it was as if I had the opportunity to prime him for that moment... to show him in other circumstances that I cared about the fact that he wanted to do something his way... whether it was letting him pick where he sat at the table, or asking him which T-shirt he wanted to wear, or taking the extra 5 minutes so he could buckle himself into his car seat with minimal help from me. I quickly learned that he needed to feel heard and respected for who he was and what he thought. And once he and I were on that page where he knew that I cared about what he had to say... then he was much more responsive to what I had to say, even if it wasn't what he wanted to hear or do at that moment. And it was all wrapped up in love. I thanked him for his obedience each time, even if it took a few minutes of firm debate to get him to obey. At the end of the day, I want my kids to know that I love them... but they also need to understand that Mommy and Daddy have the final say, and that what we say, goes. Effectively communicating those two facts of life is a delicate beam to balance.
Children still have a lot to learn about life and how the world and relationships work... especially when it comes to dealing with authority. But one thing I've learned is that they still feel many of the same things we feel as adults. When we feel oppressed or controlled, we tend to rebel and act selfishly. But when we feel appreciated and acknowledged by someone, we feel more secure in that relationship, especially when we feel loved. It is then that we are more inclined to set aside our own desires and preferences when asked to do so. This is especially important between parents and children. Parents who effectively communicate love to and set appropriate boundaries for their children will raise children who feel loved and receive their parents' instruction as coming from a loving place, as opposed to a controlling or manipulative one.
This is the beautiful challenge I face with a stubborn two-year-old or a testy six-year-old. In the long run, it's more than just debates over shoes or cleaning their room the first time we ask. The goal is to raise children who will one day be secure, responsible, loving and respectful adults. We want to equip them to have healthy relationships - whether it be with friendships, in their career, or in their marriage. The ultimate question is: "How do I teach you to make the right decision and choose the best path?" I know won't always be around to tell them which way is right. But while my kids are still young, I can still guide them and teach them how to make wise decisions, instead of just forcing them onto the right path. These are the formative years that are so significant to their development as individuals. I refuse to let these opportunities slip through my fingers... my babies are too important for me to let every other responsibility get the best of me, giving them only second-rate efforts. My most crucial responsibility next to my relationship with God is raising my family. They are one of my life's greatest blessings and I wouldn't trade my "Mommy" hat for any other. Motherhood is an amazing thing... It has the power to consume a woman's identity for nearly two decades... and it's an identity by which no woman is left untransformed. It is indeed a beautiful challenge that rivals none.
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